Tag Archives: illness

Step by Step

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Step by step, we have been together since the beginning. We have always been there for one other.

It’s hard now, to see you struggle.

Once so strong, it hurts to see your weakness, your lack of control.

Don’t give up. Keep moving, one foot forward at a time.

Know that I am with you each step of the way and together we will make strides.

When you are feeling fragile, I will help carry the load.

I am here for you.

But you have to put in the work.

Acknowledge the pain, but don’t let it stop you. Stretch further than you think possible.

Because anything is possible. You are proof of that.

I watch you get stronger everyday. I feel your determination.

Dear left leg, you can do this.

I know. You thought this was a letter to a friend. Well, she kind of is.

As I recover from a nasty bout of Shingles, which included nerve damage from my left hip down to my big toe, physical therapy is helping to remind my brain how said leg behaved in the past. Neuroplasticity is an amazing thing. And a little encouragement to an injured body part never hurts. Because your brain is listening.

“A link between body and mind is embedded in the structure of our brains, and expressed in our physiology, movements, behavior and thinking.” Site

I do not need any help, until I do.

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Self sufficient, reliable, independent. That’s me. Until it wasn’t. Oh how that universe demands us to keep learning, to keep our awareness growing.

The pain radiated from my left hip and ran down me leg. I writhed on the floor, unable to get up. Okay. Okay. Okay. I said the words aloud with each exhale. I’m not sure why. To reassure myself? To encourage myself to stand?

The pain continued until I could no longer cope. “Take me to the ER,” I told my husband.

Besides the physical pain, the emotional pain appeared. Grown kids or not, I needed to be available to them as well as my grandchildren. And I had my routines I needed to follow – my boxing classes, my weight lifting classes. But I was useless. I couldn’t function.

After scans, and an MRI showed nothing, I spent two nights in the hospital to discover I had shingles. But, of course, not like most people. I was in that 1-5 percentile. My pain was not near the rash (on my foot). The pain followed a lengthy dermatome path from hip down.

It took days for me to admit, “Carolyn, you have a virus. Be nice to yourself.”

Still, I had to rely on others for help.

Until I didn’t. I became proactive. I needed more than nerve pain meds and steroids. I needed answers, solutions to how I could walk properly again.

I made another doctor’s appointment and received a referral for physical therapy.

I have routines to get back to. And, if possible, an upcoming trip to Manchu Picchu on October 6th.

Yesterday I had my first physical therapy appointment. Easy exercises a month ago. Not now. All the muscles in the back of my leg are locked. My left ankle struggles to bend backwards, a necessary movement to walk properly. The physical therapist thinks I’ll be ready to go on October 6th. I hope she’s right.

So here’s what I learned:

  • routines change when unexpected shit happens
  • sometimes, it is my turn to ask for and receive help
  • old goals vanish when you don’t want them to and are replaced by new goals you didn’t expect
  • Friends show their support, true friends follow along with your progress
  • And those family members I feel the need to be available for? They’ll be okay. They have to be. It is time to take care of myself.

Discouragement is being replaced by determination. No one can help me more than myself. So here I go.

CD-W photoshop art.

I’ve been diagnosed with an “ism”!

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Yes, I have. But before I tell you what I “have,” I want to share something with you.

A while back, a friend mentioned how it isn’t helpful to say negative things about our “conditions.”  You know, like, “My left shoulder sucks,” “I have a bad heart,” etc.

Instead, be positive and supportive. (They might hear you speak negatively about them)

I thought about that when I tore the meniscus in my knee. So, instead of saying “I have a bum knee,” I said, “Left Knee, don’t worry. I will take care of you.”

After all, I’ve known Left Knee all my life and it’s worked as hard as Right Knee. So I joined a gym and strengthened the muscles around it. For the last few years, pain free.

I thought about my right big toe that lacks cartilage in the ball joint. I said, “It’s okay, Big Toe. I’ll buy you comfortable shoes and I promise… no burpies at the gym that will force you to painfully bend.”

So, now I say this.

Dear Thyroid,

You’ve worked hard for me all these many years. Now, you are finding it hard to get moving. I get it. You’re tired. You can’t help causing me fatigue. So, dear Thyroid, the fact that you exist under the Hypo (meaning below) Bridge surely makes you frustrated. I just want to reassure you. You are not the only Thyroid who must endure the trolls beneath that bridge.

Thyroid, please know this. Trolls can act scary but they are actually harmless. So, before you give up and succumb to the trolls demands,  I want you to know something.

Each morning I am swallowing a little orange pill. Trolls don’t like little orange pills. It makes them claustrophobic which means that in a month or so the trolls will nudge you away from that confining crevice beneath the Hypo Bridge.

And then, and you will rise once again.

With Love,

Your host, Carolyn

P.S. I am here for you.

When Mother Nature thumps you into awareness

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Yesterday morning, when I woke up, I couldn’t talk. This morning, when I woke up, I still couldn’t talk. I mean, NOT AT ALL. Laryngitis is an interesting condition. Perhaps it is nature’s way of telling you to listen, to be still, to be contemplative.

I counted my blessings.

But damnit, I wanted to add to the lunch conversation! I had things to contribute, information to share!

“Ha Ha,” the Universe laughed.

“Holler if you need anything,” a friend laughed.

“Now she can’t yell at me,” my husband said, laughing in the phone with my doctor.

My mini Aussie cocked his head at my silence, but could still read my body language as I could still read his. “Ball time! Ball time! Ball time!”

I counted my blessings.

This evening, I count my blessings. Not because I can now croak out a couple of words in a lengthy sentence.

I count my blessings because they are there. Silence did not destroy even one.

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Be still and silent when you can.

Otherwise, Mother Nature will make you.

She’s clever like that.

-Carolyn