Monthly Archives: September 2023

Step by Step

Posted on by
7

Step by step, we have been together since the beginning. We have always been there for one other.

It’s hard now, to see you struggle.

Once so strong, it hurts to see your weakness, your lack of control.

Don’t give up. Keep moving, one foot forward at a time.

Know that I am with you each step of the way and together we will make strides.

When you are feeling fragile, I will help carry the load.

I am here for you.

But you have to put in the work.

Acknowledge the pain, but don’t let it stop you. Stretch further than you think possible.

Because anything is possible. You are proof of that.

I watch you get stronger everyday. I feel your determination.

Dear left leg, you can do this.

I know. You thought this was a letter to a friend. Well, she kind of is.

As I recover from a nasty bout of Shingles, which included nerve damage from my left hip down to my big toe, physical therapy is helping to remind my brain how said leg behaved in the past. Neuroplasticity is an amazing thing. And a little encouragement to an injured body part never hurts. Because your brain is listening.

“A link between body and mind is embedded in the structure of our brains, and expressed in our physiology, movements, behavior and thinking.” Site

I do not need any help, until I do.

Posted on by
Reply

Self sufficient, reliable, independent. That’s me. Until it wasn’t. Oh how that universe demands us to keep learning, to keep our awareness growing.

The pain radiated from my left hip and ran down me leg. I writhed on the floor, unable to get up. Okay. Okay. Okay. I said the words aloud with each exhale. I’m not sure why. To reassure myself? To encourage myself to stand?

The pain continued until I could no longer cope. “Take me to the ER,” I told my husband.

Besides the physical pain, the emotional pain appeared. Grown kids or not, I needed to be available to them as well as my grandchildren. And I had my routines I needed to follow – my boxing classes, my weight lifting classes. But I was useless. I couldn’t function.

After scans, and an MRI showed nothing, I spent two nights in the hospital to discover I had shingles. But, of course, not like most people. I was in that 1-5 percentile. My pain was not near the rash (on my foot). The pain followed a lengthy dermatome path from hip down.

It took days for me to admit, “Carolyn, you have a virus. Be nice to yourself.”

Still, I had to rely on others for help.

Until I didn’t. I became proactive. I needed more than nerve pain meds and steroids. I needed answers, solutions to how I could walk properly again.

I made another doctor’s appointment and received a referral for physical therapy.

I have routines to get back to. And, if possible, an upcoming trip to Manchu Picchu on October 6th.

Yesterday I had my first physical therapy appointment. Easy exercises a month ago. Not now. All the muscles in the back of my leg are locked. My left ankle struggles to bend backwards, a necessary movement to walk properly. The physical therapist thinks I’ll be ready to go on October 6th. I hope she’s right.

So here’s what I learned:

  • routines change when unexpected shit happens
  • sometimes, it is my turn to ask for and receive help
  • old goals vanish when you don’t want them to and are replaced by new goals you didn’t expect
  • Friends show their support, true friends follow along with your progress
  • And those family members I feel the need to be available for? They’ll be okay. They have to be. It is time to take care of myself.

Discouragement is being replaced by determination. No one can help me more than myself. So here I go.

CD-W photoshop art.

Struggles and Light

Posted on by
Reply

Struggles. Measured like a pain scale from one to ten, the intensity varies.

Some struggles seem so difficult, no path out is visible.

I have been there. We know people who have been there. You, too, have probably been there.

Surrounded by those hard, sharp and painful edges of struggle, there is something to be mindful of while in the midst of desolation.

Light. It comes in many forms before the glow is visible. Be open to noticing.

The sudden scent that reminds you of your loving grandmother’s homemade bread.

Grab that light.

Your hand relaxes when a butterfly lands close to your tight fist. Grab that light.

A song attached to pleasant memories serendipitously plays on the radio. Grab that light.

You hear a patron at the Mini-Mart say to the cashier, “It’s not your fault.”

The words stick. “It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.” Grab that light.

Do not let go of those pieces of light. Collect them. Store them. More will come.

And eventually, you will be in possession of more light than darkness.

Be patient and know this: The luminous glow will overshadow the clutter and the chaos.

Image credit